Press 9 If You Can't Find Grandpa: The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line for Modern Thanksgiving Emergencies

From the Butterball website: The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is available to help concerned cooks through December 24. Many of the questions remain the same (How long does my turkey need to defrost? How often should I baste?) but the methods with which those in turkey turmoil get in touch with Butterball’s experts has expanded. Today you can connect with the Talk-Line through social media, live chat, texting—even Amazon Alexa.

Herewith, a marketing pitch on how to take the Butterball customer experience one step further. Our frazzled Thanksgiving host calls 1-800-Butterball and hears … 

Welcome to the Butterball Turkey Talk Line, here to handle all your Thanksgiving Day questions, concerns and multi-generational holiday angst leading up to the big meal! This year, we’ve simplified things for the modern, multitasking cook who’s mastered basting but perhaps not their own emotional intelligence, triggers or boundaries. Please listen to the following menu carefully, as options have changed based on previous lawsuits. Now, let’s talk turkey…

If you “forgot” to defrost the turkey yesterday after spending six hours at Not Your Average Joe’s with your former college roommates, press star.

If your recently divorced mother just showed up 10 minutes before dinner with three drunken mahjong partners after expressly telling you she “didn’t want to be a bother,” press 4. 

Press 2 if you never dreamed your marriage of 23 years would come to an end over a discussion of whether bay leaves should go in stuffing. 

Press 6 for a list of divorce mediators in your area code.

Press 4 to be connected to Tinder.  

If your great uncle has just revealed he has a criminal record as a sex offender, press 1. 

Press 7 if your father-in-law has opened the oven yet again to “just check on the yams one more time.” 

Press 9 if you can’t find Grandpa.

If your sister is trying to reach you to gossip about the festivities she’s enduring at your brother’s house, press # twice to request a callback from the Butterball Turkey Talk line so you participate in trashing your brother’s taste in wine.

Alternatively, say, “Alexa, what’s happening at Russell’s house that I should know?” to be connected to the smart speaker hidden behind Russell’s microwave.

Press 0 if your cousin brought her new partner and he’s wearing a MAGA hat with an NRA shirt and clogs. 

If you thought someone, anyone, might keep you company in the kitchen instead of watching football, press 7 to be connected to Colin Kaepernick. 

Press 6 if you just caught your 12-year-old vaping in the shed when you went to “get some air.” 

Press 3 if you’re apparently the only one at the table who doesn’t watch This Is Us. 

Press 4 to sext with Ray Donovan. 

Press 10 to play a round of “Would You Rather” with a random collection of Thanksgiving hosts across the country. Suggested opener: Would you rather sample Aunt Judy’s sweet potato marshmallow casserole with Doritos or be seated for the next two hours beside a person who somehow made it to middle age and a second home without knowing how to use bay leaves?  

Text 123ABC if you feel the sudden need to break the rhythm of Spotify’s idea of holiday classics with a little Motown, despite your complicated feelings about Michael Jackson. 

Packing up leftovers? You can say, “Alexa, ask the Turkey Talk-Line where the fuck someone hid the blue top to the square Tupperware that I just saw 10 minutes ago?”

To repeat this menu, hang up and go outside with your cell phone and a cigarette. Hide in the shed for several hours, then accidentally discover your teenage son’s weed stash in the wood chipper. Text “Help me, Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope” to 1-800-Butterball and type in your street address and astrological sign. We’ll send someone to the nearest street corner. Bring a suitcase, passport and a baster.