Patreon's Profane Wiseguy Santa Kicks Tail for Xmas

His elves are shaking in their sneakers

He’s making a hit list. And checking it twice. Better watch out—he’s naughty, not nice.

Santa’s a Tony Soprano wannabe in Patreon’s maliciously merry holiday spot.

“I’ve always considered myself a jolly guy,” he begins. “But it aint all hot cocoa and cucking dad under the mistletoe. We got new distributors chiseling in on my turf, telling people to buy their own gifts. And some bald sugar plumb with a website thinks he can squeeze my cookies.”

Dude wants to put out a contract on Patreon because toys and bicycles from his workshop are “proper gifts,” not subscriptions to online content.

“These reindeer dongs got people horny for podcasts and video and whatever else. That ain’t what the holidays are about! All this digital community crap. It’s about crap, crap! Sh*t with bows!”

Kringle—played with sublimely suppressed rage by Stavros Halikas—rants in funny, fearsome fashion for more than 2 minutes.

His performance is a gift amid too many play-it-safe Xmas ads. Pity the increasingly anxious elf with the neck brace standing at attention nearby.

“Do these pricks know who they’re dealing with?” Santa moans at one point. “I’m in a group chat with Baby Jesus and the Easter Bunny. I’m the miracle on thirty f*ckin’ fourth street!”

“If even one of you thinks about gifting Patreon this Christmas, coal in your stocking will be the least of your worries. Remember boys and girls: I know where you live.”

It’s Liquid Death-level satire, as transgressive in its way as last year’s smutty Santa from Fussy.

“Santa isn’t just a symbol of nostalgia, he’s also the mascot of peak consumerism,” Patreon SVP of marketing Mike McGarry tells Muse. “So, reframing him as a mob boss protecting his ‘turf’ lets us satirize exactly what people are pushing back against.”

“The mafia parody gave us a way to take that tension all the way to its logical, absurd extreme,” he says. “Everyone instinctively understands the visual language—turf wars, loyalty, intimidation. So, the joke lands instantly.”

“It also ties directly to what’s happening culturally. This is the first year I’m seeing brands brag about AI-made ads. We wanted to flip that and spotlight creators instead. They make the kind of ideas AI can’t touch—original, weird, deeply human—and they deserve to earn from that magic.”

Breaking today online and directed by Daniel Thrasher, the push pleases by standing tradition on its head. It cannily casts Claus as a warrior for old-school gifting while promoting the webby ways with edgier humor than one might expect.

It merits replays, my jabronis—ho! ho! ho!