Aunt Helga Left a Royal Extraterrestrial Lineage to Help Humans Be Better at Internet

What were you before?

Nice question, darlings. Before, I was High Priestess of Helios X, a planet located within the northern dataverse 3 trillion miles south of the GN–Z11 galaxy. My role was not dissimilar to Queen, but no moustache. Computer Queen … yes, yes, yes.  

What triggered your reinvention(s)?

In your world, you get old, retire and eat biscuits. In my world, we do not slow down; our energy is replenished over time. I had reached what we call stage 6.5, and found my calling to help people build better websites.

What did the first steps look like?

I try not to take steps. Rocket shoes, they get you there faster.

What was one hard obstacle to overcome?

My vortex cyber tunnel, “or wormhole/portal,” as you call them, encountered a glitch in sector 9. A space hacker tried to interfere with my particle reformation data, but luckily my firewall stood strong and I made it to Earth.

What was easier than you thought?

So many websites here are baaaad, so it is easy for me to make them better.

What’s something you learned along the way that other people, hoping to do something similar, should know?

Well. I heard Princess Andromeda Z11 from star Ooza was looking to branch out into domains. I said, “Lady no, no, no, you had no traffic for your Diode Drinks Bar.” She called it Diedrinks.com! I mean, maybe here this would work. 

Did anyone or anything inspire you along the way?

Well, yes. A bio-being in my solar system, called Nole Ksum, introduced cyber CO2 to neighbouring stars. Big change. Big impact. Big inspiration. 

What has fundamentally changed for you?

I now drive on your tarmac roads—slow, baaaad. This is weird. Roads are made of air streams. Catch up, humans.

Do you think you could go back/do you want to?

No, no, no, darlings. I like your primitive ways. Your fashion, though … where do I start?!

Tell us your reinvention song.

Well. I do like “Computer Love” by Kraftwerk. It makes me feel electric, sizzles my schnitzel. They came from my planet, too, you know. I also like your film Flash Gordon. Is it a documentary?

How would you define yourself now?

I am now “Aunt Helga.” I help. I’m sorry if ze Earth people think I am rude, a bit. But I want you to be flourishing, I want people to say, “I Own This.” Planet Ionos is where I live now. My job now is not Queen; my job is to make you Queen and King of your digital world. Understand?